Chasing Pavements

   That last day of school hung in the air like a dark cloud. It was like those awkward break ups that leave the other person wondering why. Most teenager would be thrilled that the last week of school was canceled, but the circumstances left more of a horrific impression than a positive one. Once Pony was in recovery I thought it was good to pay him a visit. Besides Jelly and Audrey, Pony and I were the only ones in the gang who faced any immediate danger, and I was so thankful that everyone made it out okay.
     "How you doin Pones?" I asked, handing him the string to the Pony-shaped get well balloon I happened to come by at the store.
     "I'm alright. It could be worse." He said.
     "Got that right. Did you happen to recognize who it was?" I ended the sentence with a heavy note, making sure it would linger.
     "If I did I can't remember...PTSD or something." He answered. "Could be a soc.."
     I shook my head, "I don't think it was a soc, he shot and killed of them in my class."
     Pony's eyes darted to mine. "You saw them?"
     "Yeah, three of them barged right in, in the middle of Gatsby. Had a gun pointed at Jelly, Audrey, and I, till the cops interrupted." A shiver ran through my body.
     "I had no idea anyone else was affected." He sounded surprised.
     I shrugged. "The important thing is that we're all okay and you focus on getting better." I gave him a quick friendly kiss on the cheek before leaving.

   I entered the house with the relief that Dallas was waiting for me. He's been my light while I've wondered in the past few months of darkness, and his presence alone made me feel aglow. With my recent near death experience, I told myself that I wasn't going to waste any more time. I had to tell him exactly how I felt about him.  I headed upstairs to my room, but when I opened the door I saw that Dallas wasn't alone. He had Scarlett pressed up against the wall with his pants unbuckled and holding her hands intensely. My purse and keys dropped to the floor as I stumbled over them and down the stairs. I heard foot steps chasing after me, as well as my name being shouted repeatedly, but it was all drowning out. I was out the front door and sprinting so hard I was sure to stumble over my own feet. You knew it was coming Rhyan. You knew what you were getting yourself into that first night when he saved you from the lake. Are you really that surprised? Are you really that stupid? Honestly, I'm surprised he lasted this long, it was just a matter of time. I couldn't stop the wave of thoughts that came crashing over me, nor the tears that escaped down my cheeks. I ran as hard as I could, until my legs gave out and I was crumpled up on the deck sitting on the lake out past the train tracks. My lungs burned, at least I think it was my lungs, it was hard to differentiate between that and the breaking of my heart. You knew he didn't love you. He's Dallas Winston...sleazy and easy, with a hatred for everything and everyone. Why would you be any different? You're just a stupid girl. I couldn't keep the thoughts from running through my head. They forced their way in like a poison, until I couldn't take it anymore and coughed my guts up on the deck. I didn't know what to do, or where to go, or who to talk to, so I did the only thing I could during in times like this. I danced. When I had no one and nothing to pour my heart into, I poured it in to dancing. I had been a dancer ever since that first day of ballet class when I was four years old. My mom loved to watch me dance, it was her most favorite thing. Of course now, I wasn't that little ballet girl, I took classes all the time in Cali. I had professional one-on-one dance instructors. I even competed in a few competitions, and was part of many recitals. Dancing was always there whenever and where ever I needed it. I could hear the music in my head as my body moved about rhythmically. About an hour passed till I finally calmed down enough to think straight. I paced back home, letting off the last of my steam. I was hurt, pissed, and frustrated to no end. I wanted to beat the shit out of that bitch that I'm forced to call family. I wanted to leave a nasty mark on the side of Dallas's face, giving him a taste of the pain that I was feeling. But most of all, I wanted to know why. I peeled out of the driveway in my bright red 67' Chevelle. I knew he'd be at Buck's by now, working the night shift. I sped down the highway. The night sky closed in around me, and fog crept up in the distance. I don't care if he cheated, I still have to tell him that I love him.                

Just Your Typical Monday

   Five days left. That's it, just five days of school and then we're out for the summer.
   It was like any other Monday. Scarlet and I car-pooled with Audrey, Dawn, and Blair, stuffing our mouths with donuts before peeling into the parking lot.
     Dawn sighed, "Just five more days and then we're rid of this shit hole for three glorious months." I threw my backpack over my shoulder and walked to class. I struggled staying awake through first and second period, but after drooling on my algebra quiz I decided that I was going to have to set some new limits for the next school year.
   "Miss your coffee this morning Thatcher?" Kitty slapped me on the back as she glanced over the answers bubbled in on my quiz.
   "I think I'm gonna have to tell Dal sex on weekends only." I said, yawning.
   "Yeah, good luck with that." Kit smirked.
   
     By the time English had begun my brain was already in sleep mode, which was okay since all we were doing was reading "The Great Gatsby". I followed along, taking in 0% of the words that flashed across my vision. Suddenly, a sharp *bang* pierced the air, coming from the hallway. Everyone's heads shot up, looking around in confusion. Then we heard another, and another. I glanced over at Audrey and Jelly, the noise ringing in my ears. The classroom was in an uproar as students stood to their feet, shoving desks to the side and stumbling to the corners of the room. The teacher was in a hushed panic as she locked the door and turned off the lights, hushing us in the process. We were officially in lock down. I was huddled behind a few desks with Audrey and Jels. Audrey reached down and squeezed my hand. I was trying my best to stay calm. My heart was beating a million times a second and I swear I could see it pop in and out of my chest. I began to think of everyone I knew in the school... okay, Pony and Curly are two halls over in math class. Kit, Bree and Maddie should be in gym...Scarlett and Blair are on the other side of the school, and Dawn, Johnny, and Steve should be down the hall in U.S. History. But are they okay? What if they're not? And who the hell is shooting up the school? Tears filled my eyes. Perhaps one of the last horrors I had ever pictured myself in was now alive and taking place before me. I heard the door knob jiggle as every student's head turned and faced that direction. Everyone's breath caught as if time literally had stood still. After a moment, the noise stopped, everyone's shoulders dropped in relief, but the sound of shattering glass broke the haunting silence as someone busted through the narrow window in the door, and in an instant there were three armed guys entering the room. I cupped my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming. The masked men glanced around, until one pair of eyes fell upon us. He started towards us, but was interrupted by a fellow student who threw his fist into the guys stomach. One of the other masked men responded by releasing two bullets into the student's head. His body crumpled to the floor, a pool of blood growing from it. I couldn't move, I couldn't even look away. I was sure my heart had even stopped beating. He then proceeded in approaching us, pointing a gun in our general direction. I had no idea who lay at center target, and I didn't dare look. I stared at the floor as sobs broke from my throat. What would provoke someone to shoot up a school, to send their friends, teachers, and classmates into such a darkness..fighting for their lives? And why us? This couldn't be the end. I couldn't leave Owen with no real family, and leaving Dallas for a week was torture, what would my death do to him? His face flooded my thoughts. Did he know that I loved him? I had never actually said it, but I feel it every day when I am with him, and even when we are apart. A strong authoritative voice filled the room.
     "Put the gun down!"
I looked up to see a policeman pointing a firearm at the armed stranger standing before me. After a moment more of convincing, he eventually lowered his gun. It looked like the entire Tulsa police force was in my English classroom. About half an hour later we were instructed through the intercom to leave the building. I glanced over at Audrey and Jelly, their bodies still shaking. We found ourselves in a group hug that seemed to last forever, yet not long enough.
   I placed my phone and other belongings I was wearing in the plastic bucket before being searched with the metal detector. I glanced around at the faces that crowded the courtyard. Faces of horror, pain, and all out fear wore upon them. People were hugging their friends and parents who had heard of the tragedy. My vision caught on the familiar faces that lined the other side of the police tape at the end of the parking lot. I burst into a sprint, my feet pressing hard against the pavement until I hit him like a brick wall, my arms wrapping around him. I felt the tension in his body release, as a wave of relief came over him.
     "Are you okay?" he asked. I pulled away so I could look at him, something I thought I may never be able to do again.
     I nodded. "I'm fine." I reached over to hug Owen, thankful that I was alive to do so. Audrey and Jelly had reached us, hugging just about everyone they could. They rest of the gang had heard about the incident on the news and the radio, and then they all came running. We turned to watch the front doors, in hope that everyone we knew would appear through them. I cried as each one of them emerged safe and sound. All of the worry had lifted off of me, until Darry spoke up.
     "Where is Ponyboy?"    

Finally Getting Rid of All the Troubles

   It has been almost a month since our dark encounter with Sheldon and his fellow Socs, and I decided to have a girl's night to put it all behind us.
     "I just don't think that I can go all night in the same room with Audrey right now." Jelly said before crunching on some cheetos during lunch period Friday.
     "She's not going to be there Jelly, and I need my drinking buddy." Kit pleaded. Audrey and Jelly have not been on speaking terms since Hunter told Audrey that he slept with Jelly, but I knew for a fact that Audrey was planning on coming, but I decided to go along with it.
   When Jelly arrived and noticed that Audrey had not in fact skipped out on the party, she was a bit reluctant, but I convinced her to stay. We watched scary movies, played games, went swimming, and took silly photos. Dallas was working the late shift and Owen was out for the night, though I'm not sure where, considering all the girls were at my party. We ended up making margaritas and playing strip poker, but after a half hour of Dawn being completely topless, everyone threw their cards in. I felt like drinking, so I broke into Owen's stash in the liquor cabinet, and we all ended up getting crafty and making our own drink mixes. I didn't want to get completely wasted, but I drank enough to find myself dancing on top of the dining room table with Bre, which ended me in falling and hitting my knee on a chair. Everyone was passed out on the living room floor when I was awoken at seven a.m. to the sound of the front door opening. I grabbed a half full margarita glass from the coffee table and took a few swigs before greeting Dal.
     "Hey there handsome." I giggled, stumbling towards the door.
     "Wild party, huh?" Dallas glanced around at all the girls sprawled out on the living room floor.
I threw my free arm around his neck and took another sip of the margarita until he took it from me.
     "I think you've had about enough of that." he said. I giggled again and then squeezed my arms around his torso.
     "Aren't you tired?" he asked. I playfully shrugged. I pulled on his hands, signaling for him to follow me. I started to kiss him passionately while struggling with the doorknob to my bedroom. I pulled his shirt over his head and pitched it behind him into the hallway. He reached around me and opened the door himself. I quickly pulled him inside, shutting the door behind me. He pressed me up against it, one hand propped against the door, and the other running up my thigh, pulling my legs around him.
     "I'm not wearing a bra." I whispered. I wasn't wearing pants either, somehow they never made it back on after strip poker. His hands tugged on each side of my shirt, sending the buttons popping off and hitting things around me. I pressed my bare chest against his as he carried me over to the bed. I laid back, unbuttoning his jeans and pushing them to the floor. He pulled back for a moment, and looked at me.
     "Rhyan...you don't have to do this if you're not ready." He said softly. Then all of the memories came rushing back, pushing through the haziness in my thoughts. This would be the first time Dal and I have been intimate since I was jumped. He had been patient and understood my feelings, and he never pressured me into doing something I wasn't ready to do.
     "I'm ready." I smiled.  

Revenge Doesn't Solve everything!

   Since the incident with Bob, I haven't been able to be alone. Not completely by will, but partly by choice. The only time Dallas left my side, was when he had work and I had school. I think we broke our own record not having sex all week, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, not after such a thing had been violated for me, but Dallas was okay with it. His mind was distracted by thought of sweet, bloody revenge. He had to work the night shift one night, meaning it would be the first time I'd be sleeping alone since the incident. I thought it would be hard, but the moment I closed my eyes, I drifted off. I was on the ground of the vacant lot again. The same Socs surrounded me, and Bob was there, doing the same things he did before. I sat up in my bed, my heart racing, my body in a cold sweat. I laid there for about half an hour before I decided I wasn't going to fall back asleep again. I crept into the bedroom down the hall. Luckily he was alone, and clothed. I quietly slipped into his bed an instantly fell asleep.
   The sunlight hit my face as my eyes blinked open. I found Owen staring at me confused, his head propped up on his arm.
     "It's been a while since you've sneaked into my bed in the middle of the night." He said.
     "I had a bad dream, I couldn't sleep." I said, rubbing my eyes.
     "We're going to get Bob for what he did, Rhyan, I promise you that." His voice was soft.
     "And then what?" I asked.
     "And then Bob Sheldon thinks twice before laying a finger on you ever again." He replied.
Maybe he was right. Maybe it would scar Bob so bad that he would leave me alone, but I kind of took it as a long shot.
     "Are you going to the rumble tonight?" He asked.  I sighed.
     "Yeah, we need everyone we can get.: I heard the front door close from downstairs.
     "That'll be Dallas." I slipped out of bed, and just before making it through the door Owen spoke up again.
     "Rhyan?"
     I turned, "Yeah?"
     "I love you sis." He said.
     "I love you too." I smiled, then headed downstairs.

   We all met up at the Curtis house to gear up for the rumble. Everyone was getting focused while I hid in the corner with Audrey and Jelly. Suddenly, the house started shaking as a familiar roar filled the air. I squinted, glancing through the cracks in the blinds and felt my eyes widen. I marched up to Owen,
     "You invited the sons?" I said in a hushed urgency.
     "We needed more guys, and I knew Jax would come running once he heard what happened to you." He explained before turning and heading outside.
     "That's exactly what I was afraid of." I mumbled to myself.
With every ounce of my being, I did not want to step out that door, but they came all this way and in my defense, so I sucked it up and stepped outside. I was happy to see Chibbs first. If any of them had come, I would've wanted it to be him.
     "How's my girl?" He asked, his arms wrapping around me tightly.
     "Well, if I was any kind of good you wouldn't be here would you?" I said, playing a smirk on my face.
     "We're going to get the guys who did this to you Rhyan." Clay assured.
     "I know you will." Just like they always do. If anyone was a master at revenge, it was the Sons.
I stood as far as possible from Jax, feeling his gaze upon me the whole time. Just when I start to think I put my past behind me, it comes riding back, perched on top of a motorcycle.
   I stood behind my boyfriend and my brother before the rumble officially started.
     "It's a shame that I didn't get to finished what I started." Sheldon's devilish gaze was glued to me. "Why do you hang out with these low-lifes? You're rich...and with a body like that you have everything it takes to be a Soc." he continued.
     "Really? Because from what I'm looking at Socs look like horse's ass." I replied. His gaze narrowed.
     "I'm really glad we got to have that a moment the other day Thatcher, it was nice to feel how wet you got for me." That had done it. Dal and Owen simultaneously collided fists with Sheldon's face.To say that they beat the shit out of Bob would have been an understatement. From what I heard, they weren't quite finished with him. We had planned a victory party at my house after the rumble. It didn't take long for the music to start blaring and the beer to be passed out. I instantly stripped down to my bikini and joined Dawn and Audrey in the hot tub.
     "What happened to your gnome Dawn?" I asked.
     "It shattered over some Socs face." she said, laughing. A little while later I met Dallas leaning against the fence, talking with Tim.
     "Your bruises are already starting to appear." My fingers traced his bare chest.
     "Ah, they ain't nothin'. I'm kinda disappointed I made it out with no broken bones." he said. I glanced across the yard, and met a familiar pair of eyes.
     "I'll be right back." I said, kissing Dallas before I left. I paced slowly to the back porch where Jax was sitting in a patio chair.
     "I was starting to think you were going to go all night without talking to me." He said.
     "Thought it'd be rude not to at least say thanks for coming." I answered.
     "I'm sorry that happened to you Rhyan. I wish I was around to stop it." he replied.
     I sighed. "I'm not your responsibility anymore Jax."
     He pointed across the yard, "Is that Dallas?" he asked. I shot him a confused look, I had never mentioned anything about Dallas to him.
     "Gemma told me." He said. I shook my head. "You got a nice thing here Rhy."
     "Yeah." I smiled. "They're like my family ya know?"
     He glanced in the direction of the other Sons. "You know I do." There was a moment of silence. "It's good to see that you've moved on." he added. I was beginning to think he didn't exactly grasp why I left California.
     "Jax, it wasn't like that. I didn't just drop you guys and trade you for new friends. I never stopped caring about any of you."
     "Even me?" his blue eyes peered up at me, searching for an answer deeper than I had time to give him.
     "Especially you." I confessed. "It just wasn't the life I wanted. It may work for Owen, but not for me." I was telling the truth. I grew to love everyone in the Sons, they were like family to me and I didn't judge them for what they did or the choices they made, but I couldn't be with someone like that anymore. Owen loved it, and I know sometimes he wishes he was in Cali with them rather than here in Tulsa, but I had a new family now. I did move on, and I found where I truly belong. I'm not a part of the Sons, I'm a greaser.
   The party was starting to come to a close around four a.m. when a fight broke out between Hunter, Soda, and Jelly, resulting in ending Soda and Jel's relationship. I wanted to comfort her, but she ran off too fast, and I didn't see her again.
I stood in the doorway of my bathroom, brushing my wet hair and wearing only a towel.
     "Everyone's gone." Dallas said as he stripped off his muddy jeans and plopped down onto the bed. I slipped on a pair of underwear and a sports bra before crawling into bed myself. We both laid on our backs, staring up at the ceiling. Dallas rolled over to face me.
     "Rhyan...would it help to talk about exactly what he did to you? Ya know, they say it's best not to keep these things to yourself..." He spoke softly. I closed my eyes and waited for about thirty seconds before answering.
     "Two guys, out of nowhere, pinned me to the ground, trying to keep me still. And at first I didn't understand what they were doing, because they weren't directly trying to inflict pain...until Bob shoved his hand in my pants, and when he couldn't get it far enough he flipped out a switch and cut my jeans off of me." I swallowed hard, trying to hold back the tears developing in my eyes. "The socs holding my arms each grabbed and leg, spreading them apart...and then he shoved his fingers in..hard, numerous times..." I chewed on my lips, "...and at one point his tongue, maybe even teeth, it hurt, and the worst part was that I couldn't do anything about it." A tear escaped and rolled down my cheek. After Dallas didn't answer, I tilted my head to look at him. His eyes were watery and I could tell it gave him even a bigger hatred for Bob, but there was also a deep sympathy in his expression. Dallas Winston hardly, if ever, cried. He pressed his forehead against mine, stroking my cheek with his fingers.
     "I will never let anything like this happen to you again Rhy...I swear to God..." he said before gently kissing my lips.
     "I know." I said, and I believed him with every ounce of my being.

   I awoke the next morning and every muscle in my body ached. It took all of my effort just to get out of bed. I found Dallas downstairs making pancakes.
     "Ooh, babe, you don't look too good." He commented, noticing my entrance. I glanced at the mirror that hangs on the wall above the dining room table.
     "Damn!" I said loudly, noticing the dark bruises on my face and shoulders. I lifted my shirt to find even more on my abdomen.
     "I feel like I was hit by a car." I said, plopping into the nearest chair. After eating, I didn't want to do anything but sit on the couch. I flipped through the television channels and found nothing. Knowing that I did not have a movie I wanted to watch, I headed upstairs to Owen's room.
     "Owen, I'm getting one of your movies." I shouted to him in the kitchen. He had just found the pancakes. His room smelled of doritos and ass cheeks. I glanced through the movies on his book shelf as well as the ones scattered on his desk. I picked up a disk and flipped it over in my hand. It was blank, so I figured it was one of our old home videos of when we were little. I popped it into the DVD player in the living room and pressed play. Three guys popped up, standing in Owen's room and wearing only underwear and sombreros, and singing to Celene Dion's "My Heart Will Go On". Those three happened to be Soda, Steve, and TwoBit.
     Dallas laughed. "Is this from last night?"
     "Looks like it." I said, smiling at their stupidity.
The scene suddenly changed and the room grew dark. There were two people tossing around on the bed.
     "Owen!" I shouted, "You made a sex video?"
He appeared, shoving a biscuit in his mouth, staring at the T.V.
     "That ain't me." he pointed out.
I looked closer and saw the familiar blonde curls dancing on the screen.
     "Oh my God, that's Audrey."
     "Well who is she with?" Dal asked. Considering that there was something going on between her and Hunter, I figured it would be him, but once that long brunette hair flashed across my vision..my mouth dropped to my feet.
     "HOLY SHIT!" All three of us said at the same time.
     "Jelly and Audrey?" Owen shouted.
I jumped up from the couch and pressed eject on the dvd player. After that we all just glanced around the room awkwardly, not saying anything.
     "This does not leave this house." I pointed my finger at both of them.
Audrey and Jelly had made a sex tape.    

Dark Side of the Moon

   Yesterday the guys all decided to go to the rodeo, which us girls aren't usually opposed to, but Kit suggested we take a chance to escape all the testosterone and have a girls day out. This of course included mall shopping, dinner, then finally a movie. It was already dark by the time we left the movie house, so we split up depending on who lived closest to one another, and headed home in groups. Kit, Dawn, and Bre went their own way, leaving me, Jelly, Audrey, and Blair walking home together. We made a short cut through the vacant lot, feeling safer after crossing into our own territory. Blair and Jelly stopped for a smoke, while Audrey and I lingered around to goof-off and talk. I suddenly noticed the dark, empty mustang parked across the street, but before I could say anything two guys were on me, pinning me to the ground. I threw my limbs all over the place, hoping I was too spastic for them to grasp a hold of, but they manages anyways. Two more socs had Blair pinned down a few feet away from me, and a few more held off Audrey and Jelly who were screaming vulgar things at them. It took me a minute to realize that Bob Sheldon was one of the guys holding me down. I wasn't really grasping the point of all this, I mean, they weren't exactly beating on us. Yeah, I'd probably have some bruises from the struggle, but there was no sign of intentional pain. I didn't understand, until Bob had my legs spread and was unbuttoning my pants and ripping them off of me. He shoved his fingers in places that I would never dare give him the permission to touch. He was very rough, and honestly, it hurt, and I could tell I was bleeding. I knew if I screamed loud enough, someone from the gang was bound to hear me. It frustrated me to the verge of tears. One of the people I hated most was violating me in the worst way possible. It sickened me, and I was sure I'd soon throw up, or at least black out. I was hoping for the latter, because if he was going to take it any further, I'd rather be knocked out for it. Bob had his pants undone and was just starting to pull it out when I saw lights flashing in my peripherals, hearing sirens in the distance. The cop was enough to scare the Socs away, he sped off after them. It only took another moment for the steady beat of footsteps to reach us. I was gagging and crying so hard it blurred my vision, and I didn't notice Darry was carrying me until we reached the front yard of the Curtis house, where the guys were spilling from their cars, just returning from the Rodeo.
     "What the hell happened?" TwoBit's voice rang loudly off the pavement, as he ran to Audrey who was cradling Blair in her arms. Jelly explained the situation. Dallas emerged, pulling me from Darry's arms in an instant. I suddenly felt exposed, I looked down and saw that I was only wearing purple frilly, blood stained, underwear on my lower half. I think I was in shock, because I suddenly couldn't recall emotion.
     "Where are my pants?" I asked, confused.
     "Oh, Rhyan...they're in shreds." Darry said sympathetically.
Then it hit me, and tears flooded my eyes. Dallas pulled me to his chest. Kit interrupted us, handing me a pair of her shorts. I suddenly remembered that Blair was a second target. Oh No! I thought loudly to myself. I looked around, and found her hiding in the shadows of her brother and sister. I assumed that any progress that I had recently made with her, was now shot to hell. Dallas cursed so loud, I was sure even the south side could hear it. He placed his hands on either side of my face, looking at me, but I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye, not after what had just happened. I felt too vulnerable, dirty, abused.
     "I swear Sheldon's ass will pay for this." Dallas was so mad he was shaking.
     "You sure as hell go that right." Owen appeared from behind me. He placed a hand on each of my shoulders, looking me in the eye, once again, my vision darted away.
     "Are you alright?" He asked.
Normally I'd say yes, regardless of my true feelings, but this time I couldn't even lie. I just stared at the ground and shook me head no. Darry kicked the curb.
     "That's it! I'm calling it." He said. "Vacant lot, Friday night. They're gonna get what's coming for them."
Finally...a rumble.        

What Will You Hide Behind, Once the Darkness Fades?

    "So how was California?" Dallas asked, just after waking up. I straddled him, my fingers tracing his bare chest.
    "Like a living hell." I said.
    "How'd you get that?" He traced my bottom swollen lip with his thumb. "And this?" he added, lifting up my shirt and exposing the cut across the middle of my abdomen. "Did a guy do this to you? Cause I'll fly to Cali right now and kick his ass."
    "Actually, I beat the shit out of this girl." I wasn't trying to brag, but to word it any differently would be an understatement. "I guess all those lessons you gave me paid off.
He looked surprised.
    "Really? Cause that is very sexy..." he grinned.
 I sighed and leaned down, my face close to his, and my fingers running through his hair.
    "I missed this." I said.
His hands stroked my hips.
    "So did I." He replied.

   I hardly left Dally's side all weekend, even when he was at Buck's working, I sat at the bar while he sneaked me drinks, and occasionally kisses. It felt as if spring break was weeks ago, because the haze of emotions that so directly controlled my actions was completely gone, and I was once again living in a bliss.
I returned to school Monday, feeling an extra 'pep in my step'. I found the girls at lunch, and took a seat next to Jelly.
    "Hey guys!" I said, before chowing down on a sandwich.
    "You sure look happy." Dawn said. I was a little embarrassed by my emotionally unstable week in California.
    "I am happy." I said, shrugging my shoulders. "I'm sorry you had to see that last week...I had a lot to deal with." I explained, mostly to Dawn and Audrey. I felt like I was literally a PMS'ing nutcase over break, and I hated them seeing me that way.
    "Crazy ex-boyfriend, screwed up brother, run in with an old psycho best friend? I don't see how you still have hair left on your head." Dawn teased. "And to watch you unleash it all on that bitch's ass was quite entertaining."
 
   The bell rang signaling the end of the school day and I found Kit, Dawn, Jelly, and Audrey waiting for me in our usual spot in the parking lot. We car pool everyday in order to save gas.
    "Oh, you guys go ahead, I have a ride." I said, hearing the motorcycle in the distance. They looked at me puzzled, I had forgotten they didn't know Dallas and I were back together. A second later he pulled up, saying something to the girls. I kissed him, then hopped on behind him, I flashed the girls a smile and we sped off.
   Dallas had to work the night shift that night, as he did every Monday night, and Owen was....elsewhere. I was flipping through the television channels when I heard screaming outside. I peered out the window to see Blair running down the street in a panic. By the time I had reached her, she was sitting on the ground, her face buried in her knees.
    "Blair?" I knelled down and laid a hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong?"
    "She's hurt, I can't find her but someone has to help her." She replied.
    I stared at her confused. "Blair, there's no one else here....just us, why are you screaming?" I noticed the fresh cut forming on her wrist.
    "Sometimes when I close my eyes, I pretend it's alright....but it's never enough." She answered.
She was really starting to freak me out. I understood she was hurt, I didn't know why, but all that mattered was that she was hurting, and desperately needed help. We all consider Blair to practically be mute, because she hardly ever talks, but perhaps that wasn't the case at all. Maybe Blair was talking....but no one simply took the time to listen.
    "Blair, you can't keep bottling it in like this, it'll just continue to eat away at you till there's nothing left." I said in a soft voice.
    "Don't you get it?" her voice raised. "Why should I care when there's nothing worth living for?"
That broke my heart. No matter how bad life gets, or how rough it may be, there's always something waiting on the other side, something worth all the pain and struggle.
    "How can I show you?" I said, mostly to myself. "Blair, I don't want to leave you here by yourself, you can come to my house, no one's home." I offered.
Surprisingly she stood to her feet.
    "C'mon." I said, placing my hand on her back.

    "Do you want to watch a movie?" I suggested, trying to get her mind off things. "We have on demand..with all the new releases."
She just sat on the couch, tears streaming down her face, and nodding.
    "Here," I handed her the remote, "scroll down and choose a movie. I'm going to put a pizza in the oven."
About ten minutes later I returned to the living room, handing her a coke, and I noticed "Life of Pi" was playing. The whole night we just sat and watched new movies, and ate pizza, and we only ever spoke just one other time, in the middle of the movie.
    "I slept with Dallas." She said, catching me off guard.
    "I know." I said calmy.
    "I'm sorry...I just owed him for something, it didn't mean anything." She was babbling.
I moved closer to her and wrapped an arm around her, pushing her head to my shoulder.
   "It's okay." I said.
That was it, nothing more, nothing less, but it was all I asked for, and little did I know, we were starting a tradition.
        

This is Home

   After noticing who Owen was talking to, I immediately dashed back into my room closing the door behind me and leaning against it. My heart was racing, and I began to sweat. Jax was perhaps the very last person I wanted to walk back into my life, maybe aside from Lillah. A heard a knock at my door. I cracked it open, praying it wasn't Jax, and I met those soft familiar eyes that read deep into my soul.
     "It's just me." Adam said, pressing through the door.
I collapsed on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. Truth was, I'd rather die then re-face my old life here in Cali, it was like choosing to stay in a cage after your master unlocks the door and says you can come out. What was I doing here? I turned to Adam...
     "How did you come out of all this kid?" I asked. He smiled and sat down next to me.
     "You just needed me I guess." He said. I sat up and playfully punched him in the leg.
     "I know you needed me too." I stuck my tongue out at him.
   I spent enough time in my room to ensure there was a large enough time span since Jax had left. I put on my zebra striped, bandeau, mint colored bikini and joined the rest of the gang out in the pool. After about an hour of swimming, everyone was getting hungry and Daniella was starting to make dinner. I decided on a late night shooting pool, playing video games, and drinking fruity cocktails was the way to go. So I changed into my jeans and a black and white striped v neck, and let my wet hair hang loose around my shoulders, in order to make a quick trip to the store. Since it wasn't that far, I decided to walk, and figured it would help me blow off some steam. I had just made it out the gate of our neighborhood, and rounded the street corner across from the store, when two guys from between the buildings grabbed me. One had their hand over my mouth while the other one tried to contain my spastic limbs. A moment later I realized who it was that was carrying me, it was two guys from the Sons. We entered into some trees behind a park when they dropped me in the dirt. I know they didn't mean to, but because I was giving them a hard time in my defense to get away, they just let go and I fell. I stood up and cursed while brushing the dirt off my pants.
    "After a year, this is the welcome I get?" I said looking at Phil and Tig. Then I heard a voice behind me, "Hey Rhy." A voice I could pull out of a room filled with people. I spun around.
     "Are you shittin me Jax?" I yelled. "You have Tig and Filthy Phil here kidnap me and drag me here against my will, and all you say is 'hey'? What the fuck man?"
     Honestly, it was probably the only way he could get me to talk to him, but he didn't have to cause me to almost piss myself in the process.
     "Oh don't start Rhyan. You know you wouldn't have come if I asked." He shook his head.
     "You could've at least tried." I said. I stood there for a silent moment, shuffling my feet with my arms folded.
     "It's good to see you." He said, in that tone he reserved only for me. Jax is a badass, people didn't take him seriously or do what he wanted if he didn't use a thorough strong tone, but he soon learned that, that was no was to speak to a woman and I wasn't going to put up with being spoken to that way, so he quickly adjusted and developed a softer, more light voice that I only heard him use when speaking to me.
     "I'm not here for a mushy reunion," I stated, "what do you want?"
     "I'm going to put up with you acting this way, because..well I deserve it, but my mom doesn't...and I know she misses you. If theres only one person you decided to visit while you're here, it should be her."
He was right. I loved Gemma, she was the only mother figure I had. I knew that when she found out I had first left California, it was nothing short of a heart break for her, and knowing I was in town now and not stopping by for a visit would be like a slap in the face, and honestly I felt the yearning for a mother's love lately.
     "Alright." I sighed. "But I expect a ride." I said.
      Jax smirked. "gladly!"
And there I was, on the back of a motorcycle heading to the last place I ever imagined returning to. The moment I stepped foot on the compound, everything came rushing back, attempting to knock me on my feet. I grabbed Jax's arm to steady myself, and hoped he wouldn't take it as some romantic gesture, but I was willing to take that risk over knocking heads with the pavement. I entered the club house, hearing Jax speed off behind me. I guess he figured it'd be easier for me without the pressure of him being there.
     "Well I'll be damned!" I heard that Irish accent ringing loud from the group of men sitting at one of the tables playing poker. Chibs rose to his feet, a cigarette hanging out his mouth. He was probably one of the few here that could get me to smile on any given day no matter what I was feeling.
     "Hey Chibs. How's it going?" I said.
     "Get your wee ass over here and give me a hug." He instantly had his arm around me, pulling me into a bear hug. "You have a run in with Jax yet?" he asked.
     "Why else do you think I'd be standing here?" I teased.
     "So that's where Tig and Filthy Phil ran off to huh?." He put the pieces together. "I got you something."
 He ventured behind the bar and returned with a paper bag. He emptied it into my hand, exposing a small gold ring with a single white pearl with the band forming a butterfly on each side of it. The pear was a reference to what he used to call me. I remember the days when I'd come around here, my hair all pinned up, my makeup the best I could get it, back when Jax and I started dating. Chibs would call out, "Well look at that pearl." I guess it was a reference to something pure, something simple that still held and unrecognized amount of beauty.
     "Happy Birthday!" He said.
I had been so caught up with everything going on lately, that I forgot  my birthday was in two weeks.
     "How did you know I'd be here?" I asked.
     "I figured you couldn't leave me here forever." He responded.
I thanked him in the midst of another hug. Then remembered who I had come here to see in the first place.
     "Do you know where Gemma is?"
     "I believe she's in the office." Chibs instructed.
I gave a light tap on the door. "Come In." I heard a voice say from the other side.
I didn't even have time to breathe before she had her arms wrapped around me and nearly swinging me all over the room.
     "All my babies are home at last!" She shouted, before sitting me back down and kissing me on the cheek.
     "Don;t get too excited, I'm only here for the week." I said.
     "That's enough for me." She said, sitting back down in the office chair.
I sat on the desk next to her.
     "So how's my baby girl doing?" She patted my leg.
     I let out a long sigh and ran my fingers through my hair. "I've been better."
    "Does this have anything to do with Jax?" she questioned.
    "Not just him....by the way, do you know what your son did to me?" I explained in full exaggeration how Jax literally had me dragged here.
     "Don't worry. I'll make him pay for it." she assured.
I half smiled, and Gemma gave me a look that meant she knew there was other stuff I was hiding.
     "Okay okay." I said, giving in. "Well, aside from Owen's mischievous acts of crime, and spending spring break in the very place we went to Tulsa to escape..... I left the best thing to ever happen to me confused and brokenhearted standing in my drive way."
Gemma's eyes perked up. "A boy?" she said surprised. I knew that I was already nothing short of a daughter to her, but being with her son would officially make me family, and I know that's secretly what she had hoped for, but I also know she understands, and just wants me to be happy.
     "What's this boy like?" she asked.
I began to describe Dallas to her.
     "Well, he's the rebel of the group."
      Gemma rolled her eyes, "Of course." then she nodded for me to continue.
Dallas Winston. Who was Dallas Winston to me?
     "He rides a motorcycle, he's got the street smarts, and will kick your ass if you tell him what to do. Honestly, he scares the living hell outta some people. He likes to get wasted, and never turns down a good fight. He's cold, with a 'hard as nails' attitude that sometimes make me want to punch him. But...then he's not, he's warm, and light-hearted. He's un-tameable, but fragile, and he hates the world because all the world's ever shown him is hate, yet he's passionate, and under all that shallowness is a deep genuine character. He's charismatic, and is always the first person I notice when walking into a crowd of people, and he's not a charity case either, because I don't want to change him, he's perfect just the way he is...and I love that about him." I lost myself in my feelings, exposing the inner thoughts I wasn't even aware I had. And did I just use love and Dallas in the same sentence? Perhaps something only I was capable of doing.
     "Honey, it sounds to me like you're crazy, madly in lo.." I cut her off.
     "Don't say it." I said. She looked at me puzzled.
Like I had just explained to Gemma, Dallas hates the world. Why would I ever stand aside from that?
     "He doesn't know how to love, Gemma..." I said.
She took my hand in hers and looked into my eyes, "Then show him how."
I had just made my initial problem something differently entirely. Were hidden reasons why I didn't just prance into Tulsa and beg him to take me back? Reasons not yet known to myself?
     "If there's anyone the kid can learn to love, Rhyan, it's you." she added. "I may live a life that's dangerous, wild, and edgy. I put up with the baddest of the bad, but if there's one thing I'm sure of....even the coldest heart can love."
I took a minute to get my feelings together. I collected myself, then said my goodbyes to everyone and assured them I'd be at the party the following night, and paced back home in a stance entirely different than the one I left the house in.
I opened the door to my room and flipped on the lights. Jax was sitting on my bed, staring at me. I jumped.
     "Jesus Christ kid! Can't you learn to give a girl a warning?"
He just laughed. I was fed up with his surprise appearances. My emotions were running high this entire trip, and him popping in unannounced wasn't helping.
     "Why are you in my room?" I just wanted to pass out.
     "Cause, I want to talk to you." he said.
I sat down on the bed next to him. I remembered the many nights we spent in this bed, most of them naked. It made me uncomfortable, so I awkwardly switched my position.
     "Rhyan, I know I handled things badly before you left, and I'm so sorry I reacted that way, especially after I saw what it did to you. But, this is my life, it's how I was raised. It's all I know. But, I swear if you give me a chance to work at it...to change my ways...I promise I.."
     "No Jax." I said, cutting him off. The 'change my ways' part tuned me out. I was just telling his mom how I liked Dallas just the way he was, however messed that may be. I didn't want him to change, and he shouldn't have to.
    "You're not even going to let me finish?" He sounded ticked off.
I closed my eyes and shook my head.
    "I know those feeling can't all just be gone Rhy."
I opened my eyes to find him staring at me intensely. He was right, my feelings for him were not one hundred percent diminished, but my feelings for someone else were one hundred percent stronger. I really didn't know what to say. We sat there in silence for what had to be at least five minutes, Jax's eyes never leaving me. Finally, I turned to say something, but when I did all I found were his lips pressed against mine. A second later I heard the door open, revealing Audrey standing in my door way witnessing what had just taken place. She awkwardly turned and left without saying a word.
    "Please....just leave." I told him. And so he did, with nothing short of a pissed off look on his face.

     The Son's Party was just as wild as the ones I could remember. There was alcohol, of course, everywhere, and half naked girls dancing around the smoke clouded room. I sat at the bar with Gemma and Clay, sipping on a beer. If it had been a year or two ago, I'd be out playing pool with the guys, or dancing to the music, or in the corner somewhere with Jax, back when everyone felt like family. But now, I felt like I was among strangers.....this wasn't home anymore. I noticed Jax hanging around Audrey, who was completely trashed, and the leading her in to a room. A little while later I head some commotion and ran in to see what the problem was. Audrey was puking her guts out on the floor. I immediately knew that Jax had given her something. I found myself screaming again, which I felt I was doing a lot lately. After Gemma ensured that Audrey was in no immediate harm, we hurried back to my house and got her in bed. I sat there a while, making sure she was okay, and figured it was best for her to just sleep it off.
Owen was out doing the legal stuff he came here to do, and it was pouring rain outside, so the gang and I spent the day watching movies and eating junk food. That evening I walked downstairs and came to a dead stop in the living room where I found Owen, Dawn, Gemma, Jax, Chibs, and Lillah.
     "What the fuck is she doing here?" I gestured to the trashy, dirty, twat dressed in what looked like rags.
     "Excuse me?" She said, eyes ablaze.
     "You heard exactly what I said Bitch." I answered.
     "Do you wanna get cut?" she hissed.
     "Try me!" I yelled.
I was so ready for this moment. Before moving to Tulsa, I wasn't terrible in a fight, I was swift, but I didn't use muscle, which doesn't really get you much of anywhere, But now, living on the North side of Tulsa, Lillah didn't stand a chance. I motioned to Dawn to back me up, little did I know I wouldn't need any. Lillah reared her elbow back fro a punch, but I caught her fist with one hand, grabbed her wrist with the other, and bashed her elbow in the glass coffee table that sat in the middle of the room. She cursed then came at me sending us toppling to the floor. She sat on top of me, getting a few punches in, but I grabbed her neck, pushing it to the floor and pinning her to the ground. I punched her a few times in the stomach with my free hand, until I felt her get a hold of my hand in her mouth and biting me. I socked her a good one in the mouth after that. I stood up, and Lillah followed with a slap to my face.
     "Oh, I didn't know you were a cheer leader?" I teased.
I pinned her against the wall, my knee in her stomach, and my arm under her chin.
     "I'm gonna fucking kill you." She threatened.
In an attempt to pull her away from the wall, she managed to pull out a knife, slightly cutting my abdomen. I grabbed her wrist, twisting it till I heard a snap. She screamed in pain. I picked up the knife and held it firmly, but loose in my hand.
     "This is how you hold a knife dip shit." I informed. She came at me again, expecting me to try and slice her open, but instead I head butted her in the nose, sending drops of red dripping on the carpet. I pinned her to the wall again, my hand clasped on her throat and the knife resting above it, barely piercing the first layer of skin.
     "If you ever fucking see you again, I won't hesitate to slide this knife right through your tiny cold heart...got it? I pulled her head back and bashed it against the wall. I stepped again, Lillah crumpling at my feet. I turned to see everyone staring in awe.
     "Were on earth lassy did you learn to do that?" Chibs asked.
I wiped my bleeding lip on the back of my arm. "I'm a greaser!" I said, spitting on Lillah's unconscious heap.
 I went upstairs and into the bathroom to address my wounds, and afterwards found myself in my bed, hot tears streaming down my face. This week was an overload of emotions that were slowly tearing me down piece by piece until I had finally resulted into this broken mess of anxiety. Someone came in the room, it was too dark for me to see who at first. In this moment, even Dallas couldn't comfort me. There was only one person I wanted right now. He crawled into bed next to me, pulling my face to his chest and stroking my hair.
     "I know we came here to take care of some stuff, and attempt to provide our friends with a fun filled getaway, but please, can we just go home?" I pleaded. I wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of California, to go back to Tulsa where I belonged.
    "Okay Rhyan." Owen said, kissing the top of my head. "Okay."

Four hours later, I was lying in my bed in Tulsa, with tears still in my eyes. It was three in the morning, but I couldn't manage any sleep. I flipped through the contacts on my phone and dialed the one I wanted.
     "Hello?" he said, sounding surprisingly sober. His voice instantly warmed me.
     "Dallas.......I need you!" Was all I said, and it was the biggest truth I ever told.
     "Where are you?" He asked.
It took all about ten minutes till I heard the motorcycle pull up in the driveway. I opened the door, and found Dallas, confused, standing before me. I couldn't move myself to words at first, what do I even say? And how, with all the tears streaming down my face?
     "I don't care about Blair.." I said. Probably not the best start, but I didn't have time to lay it lightly, I was gonna give it straight.
      "..and I don't care if my brother is a moral mess, and I'm so sorry for leaving you like I did. It was the worst mistake I ever made, and I wish I could take it back....and I don't know your feelings, but I do know that you're the best relationship I've ever had...and I really fucked up...and.." the tears were pressing deep in my throat. "..and I need you Dallas....I've always needed you." It took only a split second for him to move through the front door way, in to my house and press his lips against mine so hard, that everything in me melted.
"You ever pull a stunt like that again and I'll kill ya, understand?" He said. A statement like this that imposed such violence on a young girl someone cared about would turn most people off, but I couldn't have asked for him to say anything better.
I kissed him again and again, making up for all the ones I had lost over the past week. After making it upstairs, into my bed, and sharing in the splendors of make up sex, I fell asleep in the arms longed for the entire time I was in Cali. This is home.